How do you inspire and empower others to reach their potential?
We’ve heard it said from Socrates that “know thyself” is the secret to living a good life. But I say to you, “knowing others” does a much better job. I have a theory based on centuries of history and the latest research that a person is a person through other persons, that “know thyself” is only possible by “knowing others.” Remember, that we are members of a social species, that who we are equates to who we are to each other. And this isn’t just Philosophy—fields like Neurobiology, Social Neuroscience, Social Identity Theory, Developmental Psychology, Cultural Anthropology, Phenomenology, Game Theory, and Sociobiology all reinforce this reality.
Full potential, you see, does not derive from our instinctive individualism or one’s own singular consciousness – that’s what Descartes believed and lived a miserable life in social isolation, probably with a “Do Not Disturb” sign permanently hanging on his door. Turns out, that’s not the path to a thriving life. Instead, it’s about having a collective vision—seeing and serving one another. Well-being and thriving happen when we love each other into being. That is why the limits of my love quotient mean the limits of my world. Part of the wonder of being human is that we derive a sense of who we are and who we’re becoming from each other —and that’s where you, as a coach, get to work your magic.
The Power of Loving into Being
Gosh, I had the opportunity to pilot a coaching program with entrepreneurs at Wolfson College, Cambridge. And let me tell you, these graduate students are easy to love into being. The value exchange was equal. Their infectious energy and dedication to thriving and flourishing loved me into being a better leadership and performance coach.
Loving into being is co-creating a relationship that brings out the best in the Other —because that’s who they are, an Other. I’m capitalizing Other to bring sharply into focus that by virtue of being human, your client or colleague has a unique face – and that face tells a story of infinite possibilities of greatness. To truly see someone as an Other means resisting the urge to project your own biases, your own self-serving assumptions, onto who they are by a narrative take-over.
The Dangers of Narcissism: Reducing Others to Its
Narcissists, of course, can’t help themselves. To them, everyone is an It—just another narrative they can manipulate to feed their ego. Because, at its core, narcissism is nothing more than a shame-based fear of being ordinary. And the only way to find self-worth? Reduce Others to Its, pawns in their twisted game of self-validation (Cragun, et al., 2020).
Loving into being? That’s not for narrative takeovers. It’s for those who see faces as worlds of greatness.
The Coaching Call: Seeing and Serving Others
So, here’s the coaching call: see and serve Others with integrity—being true to who they are; with intentionality—believing in their limitless potential; and with influence—bestowing a positive mark. We are here to hear their stories, not to overwrite them, but to accept them as they are revealed to us.
A Coaching Framework
My first session with each entrepreneur at Wolfson set the tone for recognizing the infinite possibilities within the Other. Upon hearing the client’s story, complete with triumphs and challenges, I provided an interdisciplinary framework to map out our coaching sessions and their evolving narrative.
- Awareness: As the author of their story, the client increases self-awareness through assessments (MBTI, DISC, SDI), increasing their view of who they are and who they want to become in their evolving narrative.
- Aspiration: With newfound self-awareness, the client envisions their ideal chapter or autobiography. They set aspirations for personal and professional growth, envisioning a narrative that reflects their desired future.
- Acquisition: Like a strategic author, the client gains wisdom and practical tools needed to write their narrative, bridging the gap between their desired future and present reality.
- Application: The author brings their story to life, turning plans into actions, with the coach as a supportive editor.
- Actualization: The client completes their story, empowered and ready to write new chapters.
The Relational Space of Authorship
In my experience, coaching is a shared journey – one that begins with seeing, serving, and believing in the infinite possibilities of Others. As coaches, we also have the honor of watching narratives unfold. That’s because, between the reality of who a client is today and the endless potential of who they might become, there’s a relational space of authorship—an identity where stories unfold, where possibilities blur, and where new chapters are written.
It’s in this relational space, where we, as coaches, have the privilege of not just witnessing but influencing these evolving narratives. By loving clients into being, we become the “know thyself” mirror between who they are and the alternative futures they have yet to discover. This is the magic of coaching: the creation of futures not yet written, of chapters waiting to come alive.
References
Descartes, R. (1637). Discourse on the Method (I. Maclean, Trans.). Dover Publications. (Original work published 1637).
Heidegger, M. (1962). Being and Time (J. Macquarrie & E. Robinson, Trans.). Harper & Row. (Original work published 1927).
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House.
Cragun, O. R., Olsen, K. J., & Wright, P. M. (2020). Making CEO Narcissism Research Great: A Review and Meta-Analysis of CEO Narcissism. Journal of Management, 46(6), 908-936.